Moving Pews

1 Apr

A relatively unknown Japanese inventor, Sfo Ollirpa, has created a system that could revolutionise churches across the world. Imagine being the first to arrive at church on Sabbath morning and finding an empty building but for one solitary pew along the back wall. Having sat on this pew, the pew will begin to move slowly forward before grinding to a halt at the front of the building whilst another pew appears at the back ready for the next person who enters. This process repeats itself until everybody has arrived and is seated at the front of the building. In one interview the inventor claimed that the Pewmover2000 is the solution “to a problem facing many traditional churches”. He spoke of visiting churches where people had “family pews” or sat as far away from the preacher as possible “without sitting in the porch”.

There has already been some opposition voiced to this new technology. The high carbon emmissions could lead to some churches rejecting the technology to protect the environment although strong speculation remains that a Green Pewmover2001 will soon be available for those who prefer a solar-powered system. The fiercist oppostition comes from those who claim such technology is inerrantly evil, such as Rev. J. King of the AFJ church of Atlanta, who issued a statement saying “If stationary pews were good enough for Paul, they are good enough for me.”

I believe if the trials, currently ongoing in America, prove Ollirpa’s claims that the Pewmover2000 will lead to greater church unity surely we should be considering investing in this new technology? This piece equipment whilst costly could prove to be beneficial in our church buildings and moving pews would make seating for the elderly considerably easier. Onwards and Upwards with the Pewmover2000!

Installation Day at one American Church


15 Responses to “Moving Pews”

  1. James McCullough April 2, 2008 at 10:33 am #

    Did anyone notice the date this was posted on? April Fools!

    Was anyone actually fooled or did you just vote for the crack?

  2. Daniel Ritchie April 2, 2008 at 1:20 pm #

    I voted for the craic; I actually think it’s a good idea, as long as the pews are more comfortable than the ones in Dromara (which would not be hard).

  3. hannah d April 2, 2008 at 11:11 pm #

    I fell for it….

  4. rob dp April 4, 2008 at 12:28 am #

    i was too busy printing cd labels on cds. anyways voted for the craic. i thought it would be well difficult storing all the pews at the back. tho it would be great to stop people from sitting in their favourite places. either its funny or terrible that its always the visitors sit way at the front and members sit close to the back. tho i just sit 3 or 4 rows off the front.

  5. Anonymous April 4, 2008 at 11:47 pm #

    Oops I fell for it..

  6. Andy April 7, 2008 at 6:12 pm #

    I had a dream about this last night, they got them installed in Ballyclabber church hall, but they sort of went sideways. Weird.

  7. ABI April 7, 2008 at 10:46 pm #

    lol…aww it thought it was real…did you make that up yourself james??

  8. James McCullough April 9, 2008 at 8:23 pm #

    Yea well i made up the story myself though I’d heard the idea from someone else a long time ago as a possible solution to stop everyone sitting at the back!

  9. Abi April 10, 2008 at 11:20 pm #

    aaah and the guys “name” spells april fools……….clever, james, clever………lol

  10. hannah April 11, 2008 at 5:14 pm #

    two weeks later, abi’s penny drops…lol

  11. James McCullough April 11, 2008 at 8:42 pm #

    Lol. Just when I thought the reactions to this post weren’t going to make me laugh anymore!

  12. Alastair McCollum April 11, 2008 at 9:31 pm #

    Ahhh right!! I get it now….Good work Abi!

  13. abi April 12, 2008 at 6:46 pm #

    thanks lol im so quick…..and AFJ church is april fools joke….haaa

  14. James McCullough April 12, 2008 at 8:09 pm #

    And Rev. J. King is “Joking” with a . instead of an o

    One of the first times in my life I could be accused of subtlety!

  15. Anonymous April 14, 2008 at 8:01 pm #

    Okay.. I did not realise any of those..

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